Birthday SexWell, almost
by HaphazardbyMikey
Summary: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AJ!WARNING:OVEREXPOSURE OF EXTREMELY AGGRAVATING BFF'S!


**A/N:Happy (late) BDay AJ! I swearz, I'm so sorry! I lost my fricken power cord on sunday and then my cousin busses up tsalking bout she was borrowing it! Lovely how she asked me first...Continuing, Hope you had a great Birthday! FTR, bold is AJ's texts, italics is everyone elses.**

**Disclaimer:If I owned anything more than a malevolant thirteen year old, a sugar coated fifteen year old, and a pouty seventeen year old do you think that...I don't know what you'd think, but notice, my name isn't on that list. Apparently, i don't even own myself. Joy. That brings a new definition to don't own jackshit...**

As I sat in catering, my eyes flashed down at my phone, buzzing across the table. Grabbing it, I furrowed my brow, seeing the unfamiliar number. Who in the hell could this be? Either way, I open the text and smile as I read.

_'Happy birthday AJ from all your buds! I guess you might be wondering where the hell all of us are right about now, huh? Well, we all got you something but since we're bored as hell and have absolutely nothing better to woo, we decided it'd be fun to hide your gifts all over the arena and make you find them! Sound cool, right? Here's what'll happen: You have three chances to guess woo I am. After you guess woo I am, I'll give you three hints on where to go to find your first present.(I'll make it easy for you since I'm nice, you know it) That present, is more likely than not, going to have something to do with the next. After you find it, there will be a number and a word on the back of it. That word is your code, text the word to that number and the next person will text you back so you can move on to finding the next present, got it? And don't worry about picking them all up, we'll take care of that after you find each one and bring 'em back to your hotel room. Again, happy birthday, broskette, now get to guessing;P'_

A laugh escaped my mouth as I finished reading. Was guessing really necessary? If the three 'woos' in the places of the words 'do' and 'who' weren't obvious, then the birthday broskette at the end was. Besides, only one man I hang out with would make it so painstakingly obvious. I smile as I text back.

**'Happy birthday to you too, Zacky!'** It didn't take long for him to respond as my phone beeped shrilly.

_'Gr. Thanks, Broskette. Okay, here's where to go to find my present: Some place I spend a lot of time in. A place where all stars are a healthy shade of orange. You might find Sunny there cussing the workers out for making some of her stage wardrobe a little more...well, for lack of a better word, sunny...'_

Wow. If I knew what the hell he was talking about, I'm sure that that line would be uber cheesy...lol, okay! Where does Zack spend a lot of time in...you know, besides in an all white room with a camera up his face. Gah, a healthy shade of orange? That makes no sense! I'd have a better chance of understanding Sunny while she cussed out some of the new spray tan girls after they somehow managed to get some of the stuff on the superstars' outfit-Hold up a second...

I start to make my way down the hall towards makeup. I push through the doors, paying no mind to the flock of divas getting their hair done or whatever and the superstars flirting along with them. Walking over to the walls where they do the spray tans, noticing that Sunny was nowhere in the room as opposed to normal, as I passed. There's a counter near the wall where they keep all the supplies. I step behind it, looking in the cabinets and see a small bag. I grab it and look inside. There's a helmet inside, along with a set of keys, and a couple of shirts in it, a Zack Ryder one at the top (of course), a classic Hardy Boyz one, a DX jersey, and lastly, a BoD t-shirt. Awesome, my fav people. I wonder what the keys and helmet are for though. With Zack, hell I'll never be able to guess, they might be for a huge stash of spray tan he's hidden for himself back here. I don't see the number or code Zack was talking about anywhere though, not until I look on the back of the BoD t-shirt do I see a sticky note, the word '_Superman'_ scribbled under a phone number. Pulling out my phone, I text out the word and immediately get texted back.

_'Happy birthday AJ. Looks like you got past Zack and are working on a bigger broski. Gotta try and make this fast, you know I'm always pretty busy,'_

Well that was definitely less detailed. Gr. Who's bigger than Zack? Well, a lot of people, but anyway...I text back guessing Randy. If he's not on the show or running from Sunny then he's at home with his little girl. That's pretty busy, right? Apparently not though as I read the next text.

_'Nope. Not even close. Don't worry though kiddo, you got two more shots, so don't give up;)'_

Don't give up, wow; he couldn't have said that the first damn time?

**'For the record, John, I'm pretty sure Zack's taller than you...'** I muse as I text.

_'Taller and bigger are two different things, get it straight. Alright, if you want to see what I got you, you might just have to take a smooth ride into the future. Guess what, you'll be walking all the way across the arena and if you had a car, you could get there a lot faster. But since you don't, you'll just have to endure your lungs burning and feeling like your legs are going to incinerate with one step.'_

I narrow my eyes at the phone, wishing John were next to me so I could cuss him. And beautiful, I have to go to the other side of the arena apparently. I should've known that with my friends they'd have me going back and forth all the damn night...Okay, he keeps mentioning cars and rides so I'm guessing the parking tower. Damn, if I'm right, I do have a long way to walk...

* * *

Finally reaching the parking tower, I glare out at the huge sea of cars and trailers. Damn John Cena and his car obsession. I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to be looking for anymore! I text John back.

**'I'm in the parking tower. Now what?"**

_'You're looking for a specific car. It's one of mine and I swear it's the HOTTEST one you'll ever see. I don't know how to make it much clearer than that and for the record, that was a bonus hint. Ur welcome!'_

Now why on earth does he have me looking for one of his cars when this has nothing to do with me? The hottest car I'll ever see, puh-lease! Damn my friends are aggravating...

All right, in the first text, he said something about burning and incineration...weird man, you'd think that be more words for Kane's vocabulary. Burning, incineration and hottest. He also talked about taking a ride into the future. So what now, I'm looking for a flaming starship? Wait, no! Not a starship, a battleship...burning...I wonder...

I start to maneuver around the cars looking for one a bit, over the top, to say the least. Soon, I find myself staring the beast in the face. There it is...The Incenarator. This thing is fricken huge. And shiny. And not as cool as I thought it'd be...mostly though because I can't find the damn door to get inside and find the present! Oh wait, no doors...There is however a sticky note on the hood and I peel it off quickly, my eyes scanning over it. 'Turn around and don't scream.'

What? Knowing this man as well as I do, I'm now scared to look. Despite the bad feeling, I turn around and my eyes practically bug out of my head. Then I remember John's note: Don t scream. Oh screw him; I let out a high pitched squeal as my eyes graze over the black and red bike. I race over and gingerly run my hand over the leather seat. Gently climbing on, I smile, wanting to jump up and down as I run my hands over the grooved handles. On the front wheel is another sticky note. I grab that one and read over it, this time the words _'bad girl_' under the number and texted it.

_'That's a cool bike, huh? John and Zack wouldn't let any of us test drive it for you. Especially me. In fact, as soon as my foot touched the asphalt in the garage, they both were close to aneurysms they were screaming so loud for me to get out...you know...not that I left. Something about me being the cause of all backstage problems in the WWE. For a couple of overgrown, big ass men, they really are overdramatic. Have a nice b-day though! And get in a ride for me, aiight? And if you see John, tell him he sickens me and it was stupid of him to send you across the whole damn arena.'_

No hints, no added in catchphrases, no slips of the tongue, or key in this instance, and still, I'm sure of whom this is, just by the tone.

**'Thanks Jojo! And I'll remember to let him know.'**

_'Sweet. Now you get to find my present, which is even better than the damn motorcycle that those douche bags won't let me drive! Okay, maybe not, but it's still pretty awesome. You want to find it then go to the place I'm always at during a show if I'm not in the ring...And I don't mean in Laurinaitis' office...or in the hall being yelled at by Vince...You know what, just go to the place that usually leads me to end up in those other two.'_

Ha! That's an easy one, catering. It seems there's just something about food and a big mass of people in a rush that makes the kid act up. Looks like I'm up for another long walk though...

* * *

In catering, I find myself heading towards a plate of cookies. Jojo's a sugar addict, it's got to be somewhere close, I think as grab one for myself. Now where would I find whatever this is? Giving up, I text her again.

**"Where?"**

_'In the fridge on the back of a peace ice tea.'_

And that's why I love Jojo. No mess, no hassle. Sometimes. I go to the fridge, grabbing the first can I see. Turning it around, I notice a white envelope on the back. I rip it off and put the tea back in the fridge. I tear open the envelope and the first thing I see is a folded up piece of paper. I pull it out and read it. _'Don't get why you guys like this dude, I can't stand the man. But you can, and I have his number so why the hell not? Happy Birthday, AJ.'_ That's when I catch sight of the two other papers in the envelope. As I pull them out, my jaw drops. Two tix to the Eminem concert this weekend! Again, damn I love that kid! There's one last paper in the envelope, and it's the one that has the next code and number on it. Let's see, this time our word of the minute is '_possessive_'.

_'Happy birthday little cat! For the record, after this, I and you are going to have to go get some icees and play poker for brownies.'_

There's only one man I know who will jump a fence for an early morning icee and legitimately play poker with brownies on the line. And as ridiculous as it might sound...

**'Randy f'n Orton, how many times must I tell you that I bet money, not your stinking brownies?'**

_'Well! Someone's a sour birthday girl...Anyway, since I'm such a good person; you're not going to have to travel too far. But I am only giving you one hint.'_

The hell! I thought I was supposed to get three!

**'Yeah, cuz that's real nice of you...'**

_'Hush. Besides, if you can't get it with the hint I'm about to give you then that makes you slow. Even slower than Mikey.'_ I stop reading there and snicker. Poor kid is pretty slow..., _'Speaking of Mikey, what did she say Brock Lesnar looks like again?'_

**'A big ugly gorilla. Why?'** As I send the text, I look up, frowning. Maybe I am slower than Mikey...Turning out of catering, I'm not shocked as Randy texts me back, teasingly calling me slow. I roll my eyes as I reach gorilla, I see another envelope, this one taped on the side wall. I peeled it off and opened it, pulling out a note. _'You and a guest have got reservations for 6pm this Saturday at Blue Agave, hope you like. Have a killer birthday, AJ, 3 RKO'_

I smile. Though completely retarded, these guys are all so sweet. On the back of the note is the next code, '_hottie_', and the number.

_'Hey girl! Espero que hayas tenido un gran regalo de cumplea os tan lejos! Si usted no tiene, est a punto de ponerse mucho mejor, todo gracias a m ! Si no fuera por mi regalo totalmente perfecto, el resto de sus dones parece menor que m nimo. No hay necesidad de preocuparse, sin embargo, es, despu s de todo, mi profesi n para hacer ver que mucho mejor;P'_

I furrow my brow in confusion. This is either Rey or his niece or nephew, Sunny and Serge. At the moment, I have no idea which though.

**'Uh...in English please?'**

_'Hey girl! Hope you've had a great birthday so far! If you haven't, it's about to get a whole lot better, all thanks to me! If it weren't for my totally perfect present, the rest of your gifts would seem less than minor. No need to worry though, it is, after all, my profession to make look that much better;P'_

I smile as I text back. **'Why thank you, Sunny. Now where in the hell am I going?'**

_'To a place full of bitterness and jealousy and gossip. A place where fashion mags face certain death in the bony hands of killers. The place you dread the most!_'

As far away from Kane(damn that sexy bitch!) as possible? Apparently not as she texts me back with a long string of curses that after several lines, ends in a no. Hmpf. What's worse than that? The only thing worse I can think of is under Mark Henry's butt or in the...diva's locker room. Of course.

**'Damn u bitch.'**

_'Lol. Happy B-day, AJ!'_

Growling, I begin making my way to the next spot. My feet seem to drag this time though as I get nearer to the locker room. She knows that I don't want to go in there so I don't see why the hell she's making me do this. It's my birthday, dammit! She's supposed to be nice to me today! I stop in front of the door and sigh as I place a hand on the doorknob. Here goes nothing. I twist it open and the divas are all scrambling about, high pitched voices screeching commands at each other and nasally laughs hurt my ears as some of them giggle at absolutely nothing. I trudge in, wondering what the hell I'm even doing in here when I find Layla standing in front of me.

"Well, we don't often see you in here," She said, matter of factly, smiling amused at me.

"Yeah, and there's a reason for that..." I mumble.

"I can't blame you for that one. But your friend, Sunny, she wanted me to give you something," She explained.

"So you've seen it? Should I be scared?" I asked, cautiously. Layla laughed but I was dead serious in asking this.

"Maybe. I'd be careful with it or you might find yourself surrounded with every last one of the divas, which I know you'd just love,"

"Oh joy, diva swarm," There were really only about three divas left that I could say I really got along with. The others, well there's not really an inbetween there, I either really like them, or really hate them. Layla smiled as she started to push some of the clothes on a nearby rack aside. She finally got to what she was looking for and held it out in front of me. At first, I didn't really pay attention, but then I had to do a double take at the outfit.  
It was a pair of ripped black and red skinny jeans, zippers going all across them. For the top, there was a black Kane t-shirt, the sides cut apart and tied back together in fringes with a white jeans jacket to go with it, several necklaces dangling from the hanger. Layla handed me the outfit then turned to the bench propped against the wall and reached into her bag atop it. She pulled out a pair of black knee high converse, red sparkles glistening across them.

"Happy birthday, AJ, darling. And I do believe that this is also for you," She smiled, handing me a sticky note, with the next number and code, '_sweetheart'_.

_'Yay! You made it this far! You are the coolest and awesomest and funniest girl in the world and I love being able to say that ur one of my besties! Lots of Luv from every one of us!333'_

Well that sure as hell ain't Mikey...

**"Luv you Danny and I'm glad we're besties too!'**

_'Aw, how sweet! I'm sending you to the place where everybody can't help but love me( I know, that s a lot of places, but think hard;P), unless they're in the ring or are named Michael Cole. Also, it's the place that CERTAIN people(i.e., Jojo and Randy) love to smash others through despite protests from the stage crew.'_

I'm going ringside! The show's over by now so I won't be interrupting anyone, though Jerry stays back there for a little while after we go off air. I skip down the ramp and make my way around the ring. Jerry's sitting at the announce table still, Booker T standing beside him as Jerry laughed at what the other said. I bounce up behind him and take a seat in the other empty chair behind the table.

"You're a liar and you know it! I'll see you later, Book," Jerry laughed as Booker walked off, waving the man off, chortling to himself. Jerry turned around in his seat, beginning to pick up a few papers strewn across the table when he finally noticed me.

"Hey AJ, that was a great match you put on tonight," He congratulated, a smile on his old face.

"Thanks, Jerry, glad you noticed," He nodded, as he continued speaking.

"You're so very welcome, but I bet I know why you really came down here,"

"I bet you do," I replied. He and Danny got along really well most of the time. I personally think he just likes having someone around at ringside that can come up with better disses for Cole than he can. He laughs as he reaches under the table and pulls out a huge box, even struggling to lift it up a bit. He places it on the table in front of me and I just stare at it. I'll bet my left arm that this is a fricken truckload of candy. I rip open the box and I'm correct. This has to be at least eighty pounds of lollipops(the cool little designer ones that she has gotten me obsessed with), gummibears, skittles, chocolates, and SNICKERS! Yay! I love snickers and I love Danny for the snickers!

"Oh my gosh, I swear, unless she gets sugar high too, she's going to regret ever getting me these..." I laugh. Jerry chuckles beside me, handing me another sticky note. This time, the code is '_sarcasm_'.

_'Hey AJ! I know it's been a pretty long day what with the show and us sending you on a birthday goose hunt, so since I'm nice, you've got two choices: skip the rest of the game and I'll tell you where everything we hid for you is or we could keep playing? What do you want to do?'_

Honestly, I'm quite tired, so let's go with the first choice.

**'Pleeeease tell me?'**

_'Okay, but only since it's your birthday. We hid your old shoes under the ring, put your makeup in the guys' bathroom and the twinks stole your bracelet and pawned it. Now, let us continue!'_

What the hell kinda jip was that? Talk about sarcasm...

**"Mikey, why the hell you gotta be so mean?**'

_"I'm not mean! Now just for that, you're headed all the way across the arena again! Mwahahahaaaaaaaaaa!'_

Damn that girl.

**'Where to?'**

_'The realm of boredom and major freak outs. Home to sensitive, puppy eyed, soldiers. And if I can't make it any more obvious, Danny's baby daddy s locker room. Don't tell her I said that, either.'_

I'm so telling her. I wave goodbye to Jerry as I stand back up, heading back towards the locker rooms. I push through the doors and find Dave and Serge talking as they pack up for the night.

"Hey soldier!" I laugh, as Serge pulls me into a hug, then Dave's huge arms enveloping both of us.

"Happy birthday AJ!" They both sing songed as they let me go.

"Why thank you. Now why did Mikey send me all the way back here?" I question. Serge smiles and goes towards the back of the locker room where the showers are. He comes back out with a cardboard box, a blanket covering the top and he hands it to me. The thing weighed a lot and I started to wonder what on earth it could be that Jojo would get that would weigh so much. You know, considering she's always broke. For all I know it could be a box full of rocks. I lift the blanket up slightly only to see something staring back at me. I look bewilderedly up at Serge and he just shrugs, a goofy smile on his face. Removing the blanket completely, I'm met with the dark eyes and small yelps of a little pit bull puppy.

"Oh my gosh, it's so cute!" I coo and Dave laughs, handing me a collar for her. Laughing out a thanks, my eyes flash quickly over the collar, noticing the name on the tag, "Diva." That's quite a coincidence. I have a pit bull already named Diva and she... Slowly, I turn back to looking at the dog in the box. Gingerly, I place the dog down and pull out my phone.

"You don't like her?" Serge starts, a look of confusion on his face as he picks the dog up in his arms, stroking her back softly as Batista came over, scratching behind her ears.

"Oh, I love her..." I grumbled. I don't even bother with the text, I call Mikey up.

"Yo?"

"Seriously, dude?"

"What? What on earth did I do now? Hey, by the way, do you like your present?"

"What did you do now? Well, for one, you stole my dog. Two, you regifted my dog. Three, you regifted my dog, to ME. And of course I like her, Mikey! It's my dog!" I growl into the phone. Now how in the hell Mikey managed to get my dog, that's a whole different subject for a different time.

"I knew you'd like it. Happy birthday, bestie!" She sang happily into the phone, " Your next and last code is '_hothead'_. The number's on the bottom of the dog's box. Happy Birthday, deuces, bruh!"

And with that she hung up. I look up, fighting a smile at the ridiculousness of it and I see Serge is too, Dave standing back, shaking his head. As it finally sets in, all three of us burst out laughing.

"Uh, wow. You two are a piece of work," Dave chuckled, taking Diva gently from my hands.

"We'll keep her till tomorrow for you. Night AJ," Serge called as he and Dave left.

"G'night!" I called back, already pulling my phone out and texting the next code to the new person.

_'No more games. Meet me in the parking lot, outside. Now."_

Well that had to be the most to the point text of the night. And thankfully, it's the last.

* * *

The cold air hits my face, and I finally realize just how late it is. The sky is completely dark and the lot is practically empty except for one car. I look around and see no one and then start to wonder if I should have gone to the front lot. I turn around to head back inside and I find myself being pressed up against the cool wall of the building behind me. Someone's hand grasps my hip just as the person's mouth covers my neck, biting down.

"Happy birthday, AJ." The sweet deep voice growls low into my ear and I shiver, "Not too sure if you noticed, but your friends mostly just set us up for a perfect date. The outfit, the dinner, the concert, and oh, for as aggravating as that Mikey is, the dog wasn't your real present. What she actually got you, is a lot more...productive..."

He turned me around and I stared up into Kane's mismatched eyes. He smiled lustfully down at me, pulling out a small card. As I take a closer look, I see it's a hotel key card. I smile back up at him.

"So, we could wait till after the dinner and the concert, or we could just-"

I cut him off, attacking the man's lips. I held onto him for dear life, before he started to take over, picking me up and deepening the kiss as we walked to the car. He opened my door and sat me in before going around the side of the car and climbing in himself. As soon as he slammed the door though, we were greeted by the radio going at full blast, playing of course, Birthday Sex... I look over at Kane.

"Any of those weirdoes been in here?" I ask as he fumbled with the radio, trying to turn the volume down to a less health threatening level. As he finally turned the music down, he sighed, squeezing the wheel, irritated.

"Mikey and Jojo," He bit out as we rolled on out the parking lot.

**Again, happy bday, AJ. Everybody here at the home for Hostile Psychos love you dearly3**


End file.
